Help for you and your
partner
Your spouse or partner has prostate cancer.
If you are like most couples dealing with prostate cancer,
it has placed a strain and some special needs on your relationship.
How the disease affects sex and intimacy between you may be
one of your major concerns. Whether it is or is not, you face
a range of other emotional pressures and psychological issues.
You cannot hide. You have to cope… and you can. Here
are some tips that can help you give support to your partner,
and get the emotional support you need.
Learn all you can about
prostate cancer
and its treatment
The more you know about prostate cancer, the
more you will know what to expect in terms of treatment, side
effects and outcomes. Armed with knowledge, you can begin
to remove some of your uncertainty and anxiety. You will have
a better idea of what your spouse or partner is facing. You
can help him act to become informed, to understand available
treatments, and to make decisions about how to deal with prostate
cancer. By helping your partner, you will help yourself.
Ask for help
Watch for signs of depression in both you and
your partner. Seek professional help as soon as you think
it is needed. Ask for help of any kind when you need it. Accept
it when it’s offered.
Look for a prostate cancer
support group and attend together
Don’t face prostate cancer alone. It is
likely that a prostate cancer support group exists in your
community—or nearby. Seek it out and share your challenges
with others facing the same challenges. Getting and giving
help will strengthen your sense of community and provide a
strong sense of support.
Keep the lines of communication
open
Communication is critical during this stressful
time. Talk to your partner about how you feel and encourage
him to speak openly and honestly with you. Let him know that
the disease, and the consequences of it, is not “his”
problem alone—it is a problem that you both share.
Ask the doctor questions
Go with your partner to his doctor visits so
you can hear first-hand what the doctor has to say. Take notes
and keep them with your medical records. No question is a
dumb question, especially about prostate cancer. And never
stop asking questions as long as you have them.
Deal head-on with your
feelings about his impotence
If your partner becomes impotent, you probably
will have strong feelings to deal with. The emotions can be
very complex. Remember that these emotions are normal. Acknowledge
them. You are not alone - 30 million individuals in the U.S.
have partners who have developed erectile dysfunction because
of prostate cancer.
You need to defuse your own emotions so you can deal with
the impotence itself. Solicit your partner’s support
to solve the problem. To get a dialog going, try a simple
statement such as, “I have a problem and I need your
help.” This will take him off the defensive. Then tell
him how you feel. Encourage him to share his feelings. If
you are non-demanding, your partner should be open to talking.
If you both want a sexual relationship that includes intercourse,
your next step is to get good information about your options
for treatment. Visit your doctor together to talk about the
problem. The best way to calm the emotions, reduce fear and
resolve the impotence is to consider, as a couple, your options
for effective treatment.
Take good care of yourself
Last but not least, take time to do the things
you enjoy. Give yourself time to grieve. Understand and accept
your limitations.
What to expect
Prostate cancer can be hard on your relationship.
Cancer is difficult for anyone. Prostate cancer can be even
harder to face because of the effect of the disease on male
sexuality. It is typical for a man with prostate cancer to
experience many different and often confusing or conflicting
emotions that can strain a relationship:
- He may feel depressed, angry, anxious and
fearful.
- Despair over prostate cancer can change to
hope, then quickly back to despair.
- He will be concerned about his masculinity
and the impact of prostate cancer and treatment on his sexuality.
If the prostate cancer impairs his ability to have an erection,
he may avoid any kind of sexual activity.
- He may worry about keeping his job and supporting
his family.
- He may be embarrassed about his prostate
cancer and self-conscious of his body. He will worry about
medical tests, hospitalization, and treatment.
- He may feel sorry for himself and become
withdrawn. He may be uncomfortable sharing his feelings
about prostate cancer. He may become non-communicative.
- Depending on his specific prostate cancer
treatment, he may experience physical changes, including
weight gain, hair loss, hot flashes, and fatigue.
As the partner of a man with prostate cancer,
dealing with his emotions can be difficult and exhausting.
There will be more stress in your life and your relationship.
There will be more chance for miscommunication and misunderstanding
that can lead to hurt and feelings of loss, isolation or anger
on your part. If his sexuality is impaired by prostate cancer,
you may struggle to deal with it—even if he remains
attentive and loving. The good news is that there are strategies,
tactics, and techniques for successfully dealing with his
emotions and yours. Thousands of couples have learned to cope
with prostate cancer. They have found ways to take back control
of their lives and continue a happy and fulfilling relationship.
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